Yes, I'm it . . . if it is a DAMN FOOL! I'm almost at the milestone of 30 years of age and my life looks nothing like I said it would when I was dreaming and making plans. I don't know where the years went but I want them back. I want to feel like I felt when I was 19, able to do the incredible and, if necessary, the impossible.
At this point, I'm supposed to have a stable career, a house, a hubby, and a child. I'm supposed to be a part of that sophisticated but hip, grown but not too damned old, creative but not freaky, upper-middle class Black socialite party in my favorite Morris Chestnut/Gabrielle Union movies. I want to organize events w/ my friends and open my own book store and pick up the kids from drama and dance clubs. I want to go to the gym with my girlfriends and ask them why the man that I love still refuses to put his pants in the hamper. I want to take trips to Caribbean destinations with my husband and come back home with a tan and sore legs. I want to decorate a house that we both worked hard to get and own other property that we rent to others who are starting their lives. I want to go to bed smiling every night because I did what I said I would do, and I would raise my kids to know that they could do the same thing.
Instead, I'm laying on the couch alone on Easter Sunday, watching the story of how other Black women made their dreams come true. My desire to become a writer has morphed into many safer avenues --- English teacher and currently urban librarian. Both satisfying for a period of time, but the ugly, unethical business side of these professions have ruined them for me. I'm not married yet (despite my pen name) because I've been in love with 2 men in my whole entire life and that television moment that I honestly thought was reserved for white women, hasn't happened with either one of them. Not yet anyway. No children yet either because I wanted the rest of my dreams to come true first so that little Nailah or Donovan (cute names, right?) would be happy from the beginning. No group of close girlfriends either because I don't trust people. My heart has been broken by men and women, old and young, relatives and play-relatives. BFF is the only one still standing!
I don't say it enough, but thanks for listening to me crying and yelling in your ear every other night. I am going to keep working towards the life that I want and I want you to do the same. I will try to be as supportive of you as you have been to me through my greatest decisions and my most fucked up ones. What are your goals right now, mamacita?
At this point, I'm supposed to have a stable career, a house, a hubby, and a child. I'm supposed to be a part of that sophisticated but hip, grown but not too damned old, creative but not freaky, upper-middle class Black socialite party in my favorite Morris Chestnut/Gabrielle Union movies. I want to organize events w/ my friends and open my own book store and pick up the kids from drama and dance clubs. I want to go to the gym with my girlfriends and ask them why the man that I love still refuses to put his pants in the hamper. I want to take trips to Caribbean destinations with my husband and come back home with a tan and sore legs. I want to decorate a house that we both worked hard to get and own other property that we rent to others who are starting their lives. I want to go to bed smiling every night because I did what I said I would do, and I would raise my kids to know that they could do the same thing.
Instead, I'm laying on the couch alone on Easter Sunday, watching the story of how other Black women made their dreams come true. My desire to become a writer has morphed into many safer avenues --- English teacher and currently urban librarian. Both satisfying for a period of time, but the ugly, unethical business side of these professions have ruined them for me. I'm not married yet (despite my pen name) because I've been in love with 2 men in my whole entire life and that television moment that I honestly thought was reserved for white women, hasn't happened with either one of them. Not yet anyway. No children yet either because I wanted the rest of my dreams to come true first so that little Nailah or Donovan (cute names, right?) would be happy from the beginning. No group of close girlfriends either because I don't trust people. My heart has been broken by men and women, old and young, relatives and play-relatives. BFF is the only one still standing!
I don't say it enough, but thanks for listening to me crying and yelling in your ear every other night. I am going to keep working towards the life that I want and I want you to do the same. I will try to be as supportive of you as you have been to me through my greatest decisions and my most fucked up ones. What are your goals right now, mamacita?
1 comment:
nice work!!
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