Nailah, I'm Sorry

If my daughter reads this, I want you to know that any trouble you have with men is my fault. I'm pretty certain that I have handed down some very unfair genes. Like most Black women, it started with my never-there daddy. I didn't have a model for what my male relationships were supposed to be like. You watch movies and watch what happens to your mom and aunts, but I really don't think that's enough preparation. If I had a father, I would have known what male attention was supposed to feel like, instead of guessing poorly and feeling even worse. But that's the past and I couldn't do a damn thing about that. It's my present and future that worry me now. And that makes me worry about yours even more.

I hope your father is patient and loving towards me and you. And never says anything to me in front of you that would make you doubt yourself because you are beautiful. I haven't even met you yet, but I know that you are beautiful because your grandma has a beautiful heart. Unfortunately, I inherited the weakest part of that. I can see why Michele should leave her husband but I can't understand why I allow myself to be disrespected without as much as an apology.

I just want to be loved. That's it. Without conditions and that part when they start feeling like they're the prize and we aren't shit. I'm scared for what you might endure. Because you don't have to deal with that shit. You will have a mind and a heart and hopefully the confidence that your mother never found. Every time I thought I had it, I let men steal it. You won't do that. You can't do that. You are going to be something special at work and at home. You're going to find a business or a career that gives you joy. You are going to find a man who would never call you a bitch or tell you to get out of your home. I pray that you do because the life that I lead is not meant for my offspring. You are meant for greatness. And you're going to get there even if your mama doesn't. Don't let those days when you wish someone would hug you and never let you go make you accept less than what you're worth.

That need for love is a motherfucker. It makes you do, say, and think some things that are contradictory to your good damn sense. It makes you stand there and take bullet wounds that you don't even deserve. It makes you kneel in front of someone who is weaker because you want them to love you. It makes you believe everything they say even when they're lying. If you continue to feed this need to be loved by a man, it will burn your soul. I used to be happy and optimistic about my life. Now I'm just happy and optimistic about yours. Because you won't be like me. You'll be better and if he's not the best, then you won't have time for his ass.

So don't let your pride get taken away from you because the chances of getting it back are slim to none. Please remember that. Nothing and no one is more important than your self-worth. You can get another man, job, hobby, best friend- whatever! But there is only one you. And you are a glorious reflection of me at my strongest and you at your brightest.

I love you very much. And talk to me when you need me. I'll always be there.

Love,

Mom